Are you happy ? … how to get happiness

Happiness. We all want to be happy don't we. It's on top of all of our lists when it comes to things we want in our life. And its the same for everyone – regardless of where you live in the world; no matter how rich or poor you are; no matter your background or your age – we all want to be happy.


The question then is how ? Some try and achieve it through money and wealth (buying happiness). Others through service and charity. Others through achievements. Others through meditation. Others through drugs and alcohol. Others through relationships and sex.

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So what makes you happy ? Perhaps you remember a past blog I wrote on happiness where I shared some findings around happiness. Some of the key points I wrote about were:

  • Surprisingly, according to this research, genetics play a bigger role than we would have first thought in our happiness. And yet, life's circumstances (our wealth, material possessions, what happens to us) play a much smaller role than we would have first thought. It is why a Masai herdsman can be as happy as a multi-millionaire (see details here). Or why a lottery winner and a paraplegic can return to the same previous long-term happiness level (see this article and see here).
  • Most importantly, a big part of our happiness is determined by our intentional activity – what we think and what we do. And the good news is that this is in our control – so in this way happiness is a choice. So if we find and use strategies focussed on increasing our happiness (exercise gratitude, enjoy pleasurable activities, improve your stress management skills, manage and harness your thoughts, focussing on those things and those people that make you happy, make sure you are striving after the right goals for the right reasons etc) it can have a big effect.

So with that in mind, here's a couple of thoughts from my life experience so far as to things you can do that will contribute to being happier.

1.  Realise that it's your life and that you (and noone else) is responsible for your happiness.  This sounds so chiche, but it's true. You along know what makes you happy. You alone cultivate those things in your life. You alone do those activities, and surround yourself with those people, and think those thoughts, and make those decisions that contribute to your happiness. You alone create the happy life you dream of. You and not someone else.

2. Don't live your life by other people's expectations or to try to please everyone.  Don't live to please others. And don't live by their expectations and their comments. You'll never please everyone anyway and it honestly doesn't really matter that they think anyway. Live your life by the beat of your own drum. Live your life how you want to and on your terms.

3. Quit worrying.  What will worrying add to your life? It is time and energy invested in what you think and hope wont happen, and may not actually happen. Worrying achieves absolutely nothing. It isn't productive. It wastes precious time. It is destructive in many cases. And it puts your focus in the wrong direction. Learn to quit worrying and you'll be a whole lot happier.

4. You can't buy happiness. Never forget that the best things in life truly are free. Health. Love. Relationships. Satsfaction. Enjoyment. Purpose. Happiness. You can't buy these. We try and fill our life with things that give us 'momentary' pleasure. And in many respects these 'things' complicate our lives. Life is simpler than that. And happiness is simpler than that too – despite what the world tries to tell us.

 

My Challenge
What makes you happy ? Find out. Cultivate and embrace these things. Implement them in your life
. And let your happiness be the judge and proof of if they make a difference. 

Pay it forward – give a little love, get a little love

I thought it was time for a video and time for some more inspiration. I don’t think we can ever have enough of that !

So here’s to paying it forward and the powerful life principle shown so well in this video – give a little love, get a little love.

Challenge
I wonder what you’ll do now after watching this video …

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We’re both scared but for different reasons


We’re both scared but for different reasons.
I’m scared of what I wont become.
You’re scared of what I could become.
I wont let myself end where I started.
I wont let myself finish where I began.
I know what’s is within me even if you can’t see it yet …
I will become what I know I am.

Fear holds so many of us back. And it comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. It could be the fear of failure. Or it could be the fear of success. It could be the fear of letting others down. The fear of disappointing your parents or teacher. It could be many things.
But here’s something I’ve learnt it my own life and also when interviewing the 10 famous Australians for my book A Life That Counts. Successful people face the same fears as we do. It is not that they are not afraid. It is that they choose to ignore it. They choose to do something regardless of their fear. They choose to adopt a different mindset with that fear.

You see fearlessness is not the same as the absence of fear. The fearless person is well aware of the fear she faces. The fear, though, becomes a compass, not a barrier. It becomes a way to know what to do next, not something that has to be denied or an evil demon to be extinguished. When we deny our fear, we make it stronger. And trying to deny it doesn’t make us fearless.

But acknowledging your fear and moving on / choosing a new (brave) mindset permits any fear to exist without strengthening it or letting it control you.

“We’re both scared but for different reasons.
I’m scared of what I wont become.
You’re scared of what I could become.”

Challenge
The fear will not necessarily go away. So what new empowering and brave mindset will you adopt despite the fears you have ? 

 

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The best 'yes' is saying 'no'

A Hungarian psychology professor once wrote to famous creators asking them to be interviewed for a book he was writing. One of the most interesting things about his project was how many people said “no.” Of the 275 creative people that he contacted, a third of them said “no.” Their reason was lack of time. Another third said nothing. We can assume their reason for not even saying “no” was also lack of time and possibly lack of a secretary or simple organisation. Here’s a few of their responses …

Secretary to novelist Saul Bellow: “Mr. Bellow informed me that he remains creative in the second half of life, at least in part, because he does not allow himself to be a part of other people’s ‘studies.’”

Secretary to composer György Ligeti: “He is creative and, because of this, totally overworked. Therefore, the very reason you wish to study his creative process is also the reason why he (unfortunately) does not have time to help you in this study. He would also like to add that he cannot answer your letter personally because he is trying desperately to finish a Violin Concerto which will be premiered in the Fall…”

And that’s the lesson I’ve learnt over the years. You can be busy but not productive. They’re entirely different things. In fact, I think many people in companies appear busy but are not the least bit efficient or productive. I’ve written a number of posts about how to become more productive in the past.

But I believe this particular learning is one of THE most important and if you get hold of it it is powerful and can become a cornerstone to you having a productive future. Learning to say ‘no’ will save you so much time. Learning to say ‘no’ crystallises your priorities. Learning to say ‘no’ helps you focus on those things that either you WANT to do, or that you NEED to do. Learning to say ‘no’ is the basis for the economic principle of comparative advantage – the same principle we see in action today when people outsource. Learning to say ‘no’ guards your time and so is immensely powerful for all the things you say ‘yes’ to.

Management writer Peter Drucker wrote: “One of the secrets of productivity is to have a VERY BIG waste paper basket to take care of ALL invitations such as yours – productivity in my experience consists of NOT doing anything that helps the work of other people but to spend all one’s time on the work the Good Lord has fitted one to do, and to do well.”

Or perhaps Charles Dickens, when rejecting an invitation from a friend, embodies what I’m saying. “‘It is only half an hour’–’It is only an afternoon’–’It is only an evening,’ people say to me over and over again; but they don’t know that it is impossible to command one’s self sometimes to any stipulated and set disposal of five minutes–or that the mere consciousness of an engagement will sometime worry a whole day… Whoever is devoted to an art must be content to deliver himself wholly up to it, and to find his recompense in it. I am grieved if you suspect me of not wanting to see you, but I can’t help it; I must go in my way whether or no.”

Now obviously this sounds pretty rude doesn’t it. And in fact we have been taught that saying no is rude. It is a rebuff, a rebuttal, a passive form of resistance. But if you want to be productive you need to learn to say no. And in any case – saying no doesn’t have to be done in a rude way. You can say no politely. Here’s an example – “Thankyou you so much for approaching me / considering me / thinking of me. As much as I’d love to be involved / participate / help, unfortunately I wont be able to with the commitments currently on my plate. But all the best. I hope you / it are a a big success.”

Remember, time is precious and how you spend it is important. Time is the raw material of creativity. It is the currency of practice makes perfect, of thinking and finding solutions to problems, of relaxing and having fun, of trial and error, of researching, or getting in and just finishing things. Once it is gone you can never get it back.

Productive people know this. They know how to say ‘no’ and they understand the consequences. They know that saying ‘no’ is effectively saying ‘yes’ to other things that they need or want to do.

My Challenge
Learn to say ‘no’ – it is more powerful than you realise. 

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Words have the power to start wars or create peace

I think we often underestimate the power of language.

Words have the power to start wars or create peace, destroy relationships or strengthen them.
They are far more powerful and have far more affect than we often think. That goes both for words that others speak to us or self-talk.

I was recently running some workshops for elite athletes at the Institute of Sport and was explaining this to them in a sporting context. I was explaining to them that our words and language affects our thoughts. Our thoughts affect our emotions. Our emotions affect our actions. For example, for an athlete, if they’re on the starting line telling themselves that they feel tired and the person in the lane next to them will probably win, don’t you think that those thoughts will affect their emotions and expectations? And these will most definitely affect their performance. Similarly in normal everyday life – if we think we don’t deserve something do you think that will affect the drive that we have for going after that thing.

How we feel about anything (our emotions) is shaped by the meaning we attach to it. And the words you consciously or unconsciously select (our words) to describe a situation immediately change what it means to you and thus how you feel.

So choose your words carefully. They are far more powerful than you think.
They have the power to start wars or create peace.
They have the power to destroy relationships or strengthen them.
They can build up children or tear them down.
They have the power to stick with someone, wound them and affect their actions years down the track.

 

Challenge
What words are you speaking to others ?
What words are you speaking to yourself ? 

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The suspended coffee – paying it forward

I remember when I was writing my book A Life That Counts I was confronted with what my life actually stood for. Basically I had a great family, great friends, lived in a beautiful democratic country, and had spent my life pursuing sporting goals and working hard in banking and finance to effectively contribute to a share price improving.

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And in stark contrast I wrote about the issues of human trafficking and global poverty.

It all seemed so ridiculous.

Now I know you can’t always think like this, but it challenges me all the time. Whilst 1.4 billion people live on less than US$1.25 per day, I would throw around money for drycleaning and complain about the jetcat being late.

Then I came across this little story to warm my heart and encourage me to do little things along the way to doing greater things that make a difference.

“We enter a little coffeehouse with a friend of mine and give our order. While we’re approaching our table two people come in and they go to the counter :

‘Five coffees, please. Two of them for us and three suspended’
They pay for their order, take the two and leave. I ask my friend:
‘What are those ‘suspended’ coffees ?’
‘Wait for it and you will see’
Some more people enter. Two girls ask for one coffee each, pay and go. The next order was for seven coffees and it was made by three lawyers – three for them and four ‘suspended’. While I still wonder what’s the deal with those ‘suspended’ coffees I enjoy the sunny weather and the beautiful view towards the square infront of the café. Suddenly a man dressed in shabby clothes who looks like a beggar comes in throught the door and kindly asks ‘Do you have a suspended coffee ?’

It’s simple – people pay in advance for a coffee meant for someone who can not afford a warm bevarage. The tradition with the suspended coffees started in Naples, but it has spread all over the world and in some places you can order not only a suspended coffee, but also a sandwich or a whole meal.

Challenge / Thought
Don’t you love the idea? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have such cafés or even grocery stores in every town where the less fortunate will find hope and support? If you own a business why don’t you offer something similar to your clients. As for me I’m determined  to find ways to pay it forward more. 

A Father's Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8DLTW2OSrA

You can choose your friends but not your family.
And that can be a great thing or it can be a bad thing. For many, family is a source of frustration, anger, sadness, fighting and hurt. But that is not how it is meant to be.

Family is supposed to be a greenhouse of love, laughter, support, encouragement, learning, teaching, sharing and fun. And on that account, I feel very blessed. I come from a big family. Both my grandmothers on either side of my family were twins. And as a result no family event is small. But not only that, we are close. My immediate family is an incredible source of love and encouragement and support. We are a tight-knot family and love spending time together. If I can be half the parent that my parents have been, then I’ll be happy.

This video makes me count my blessings. I hope it does the same for you. To help us all be grateful and thankful for the family that we have. And if you’re family isn’t one of those blessings that you count, then my hope is that this video drives you to make your other family (your friends or the one you create with your wife/husband etc) how it is supposed to be – a place of love, support, caring, encouragement, nurturing … the way God intended it to be.


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Wanting something you've never had

 

It was the brainiac Albert Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And he would know, after his countless experiments formed the basis for him publishing more than 300 scientific papers and 150 non-scientific works !

But, back to the point … in the same vein, it follows that if you want something you’ve never had, then you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.

The problem is, though, that it’s often as if there are invisible hands that hold us back when we want to do something we’ve never done. And this is what I want to focus in on today. So what are examples of these invisible hands? Well here’s some of them:

1. CHANGE
None of us like change. We are creatures of habit. If you want things to change you’re going to have to get to a point where you embrace change. Pretty obvious isn’t it. But easier said than done. Enough said ! To do something you’ve never done will require embracing change.

2. FEAR
We all have fears, and they come in many shapes and sizes. And they can emanate from many areas and for many reasons. But their effects are the same – doubt, hopelessness, nervousness, and the desire to shrink back rather than move forward. For example – fear of failure. Unlike kids, as adults, we often visualise the outcome already don’t we. So why would we begin or try something new or do something we’ve never done when we might embarrass ourselves and make a fool of ourselves? We see what could happen in the negative, rather than what could happen in the positive. The challenge is not to let that fear or those fears be a controlling influence on us and to cause us to stop moving forward in the direction of our dreams. It’s a choice. Plain and simple.

That’s a key point I’ve definitely discovered in my journey through life so far and through the opportunity I’ve had to meet and interview some incredible people as I did for my book. It is clear to me that people who accomplish incredible things face the very same fears as you and I do. The difference – they choose to take a different approach and mindset. They choose to see the glass half full. They choose to see the potential and possible outcome. They choose to dare to dream and follow those dreams. They choose to think bigger and broader about what’s possible and to have a go regardless of the ultimate outcome. They choose to see possibilities and dreams and to ask, ‘Why not?’ rather than see things and ask, ‘Why?’  They choose to believe the reasons why they’ll achieve their dream, not the reasons why they won’t achieve it. They make a conscious choice.

It reminds me of something Australian Rugby League player, Jason Stevens, said to me when interviewing him.
“Before a game, I was pretty much always fearful – especially in a big game like State of Origin, where there are millions watching. You have the expectations of fans, and you don’t want to let anybody down. For me, the feeling of fear never really went away, but what I learnt was to do things afraid.”

 

3. LIMITING MINDSETS
To do something we’ve never done requires a mental shift doesn’t it? A change of paradigm. Adopting a new view. Having a change of attitude. This is where it starts as our mindset effects our actions which then effects the outcome.
But this is easier said than done isn’t it? The crazy thing though is that it is often our own self-limitations that hold us back the most as opposed to limitations ‘imposed’ on us by others. It’s as if we’re chained up by our own choice. I mean, there’s not one person in a hundred who couldn’t write down his or her most exciting dream and not at the same time tell you, ‘It’s probably impossible; it’ll never happen.’ There’s not one person in a hundred who couldn’t give you good reasons why his or her dreams won’t come to pass and why he or she won’t achieve what he or she would like to. This is not a new problem. But, if you want something you’ve never had ==>> then you’ve got to do something you’ve never done ==> to do this you need to deal with your self-imposed limitations and adopt a new attitude that will lead to new behaviour.

As athletes we deal with self-imposed limiting mindsets all the time. If we don’t, we’ll never break through that invisible barrier and set a new ‘personal best’. Or we’ll never beat that person we’ve never beaten. So here’s a few ways myself and others have used to help us adopt an attitude that will then help us act differently and lead to new results.

A) Visualise the positive outcome – When I’m going to the gym for a ‘testing’ session, do you think I go up to the squat rack, look at the 272.5 kg ‘personal best’ on the bar and think, I can’t lift that weight once, let alone twice or three times!? Or Wow, that looks heavy; I’ve never lifted that weight before!? Of course not! If I did, I’d never progress as an athlete. I’d never push the boundaries, improve, and move forward. Instead, during the days leading up to that testing session, then while I’m warming up, and also immediately before I put the weight on my shoulders, I close my eyes and imagine myself lifting that weight. I tell myself, You can do this. You love this. You’re strong and powerful, and this is light. This is only an extra 5 kilograms, or 2 per cent. This is easy. I do this over and over to ensure I shatter that limiting mindset and put the positive image / mindset front and centre.

B) Foster unlimited thinking – Australia’s famous Paralympian and World Sportsperson of the Year, Michael Milton (whom I feature in my book used to inspire himself to unlimited thinking in the following way … ‘I remember that with my goal-setting, I used to grab a tape measure and put a mark of 2 metres and 8 centimetres – 2.08 metres – on the wall, which is the world high-jump record for an athlete with one leg. If you can imagine a guy hopping up to a bar and then hopping over a 2 metre bar without touching it, for me that was something that always inspired me and reminded me, when setting my goals, to set the bar high so that I made sure my goal was challenging enough yet realistic.’

C) Becoming aware of your thoughts – Olympic Gold medallist Lydia Lassila describes how before she could change her thoughts she first needed to become consciously aware of all the limiting thoughts going through her brain. “If you think about even one hour in a day, there are so many thoughts going through your mind; lots of garbage and lots of thoughts that don’t serve you . . . Becoming consciously aware of all these thoughts going through your head allows you to then analyse your beliefs . . . to be able to change your thinking.”



CHALLENGE

Your outcome (something you’ve never had) ==>>
is determined by your actions (doing something you’ve never done) ==>>

and your actions are first influenced by your thoughts

So the statement at the top of this post is true, but it actually starts with your thoughts.
So my challenge is to think about the invisible hands (your thoughts) that might be first holding you back.
Thoughts around 1) Change 2) Fears 3) Limiting Mindsets

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For more help and information read
A Life That Counts

 

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