Psychology Archives | jeremyrolleston.com

Are you happy ? … how to get happiness

Happiness. We all want to be happy don't we. It's on top of all of our lists when it comes to things we want in our life. And its the same for everyone – regardless of where you live in the world; no matter how rich or poor you are; no matter your background or your age – we all want to be happy.

The question then is how ? Some try and achieve it through money and wealth (buying happiness). Others through service and charity. Others through achievements. Others through meditation. Others through drugs and alcohol. Others through relationships and sex.

So what makes you happy ? Perhaps you remember a past blog I wrote on happiness where I shared some findings around happiness. Some of the key points I wrote about were:

Surprisingly, according to this research, genetics play a bigger role than we would have first thought in our happiness. And yet, life's circumstances (our wealth, material possessions, what happens to us) play a much smaller role than we would have first thought. It is why a Masai herdsman can be as happy as a multi-millionaire (see details here). Or why a lottery winner and a paraplegic can return to the same previous long-term happiness level (see this article and see here).
Most importantly, a big part of our happiness is determined by our intentional activity – what we think and what we do. And the good news is that this is in our control – so in this way happiness is a choice. So if we find and use strategies focussed on increasing our happiness (exercise gratitude, enjoy pleasurable activities, improve your stress management skills, manage and harness your thoughts, focussing on those things and those people that make you happy, make sure you are striving after the right goals for the right reasons etc) it can have a big effect.

So with that in mind, here's a couple of thoughts from my life experience so far as to things you can do that will contribute to being happier.

1. Realise that it's your life and that you (and noone else) is responsible for your happiness. This sounds so chiche, but it's true. You along know what makes you happy. You alone cultivate those things in your life. You alone do those activities, and surround yourself with those people, and think those thoughts, and make those decisions that contribute to your happiness. You alone create the happy life you dream of. You and not someone else.

2. Don't live your life by other people's expectations or to try to please everyone. Don't live to please others. And don't live by their expectations and their comments. You'll never please everyone anyway and it honestly doesn't really matter that they think anyway. Live your life by the beat of your own drum. Live your life how you want to and on your terms.

3. Quit worrying. What will worrying add to your life? It is time and energy invested in what you think and hope wont happen, and may not actually happen. Worrying achieves absolutely nothing. It isn't productive. It wastes precious time. It is destructive in many cases. And it puts your focus in the wrong direction. Learn to quit worrying and you'll be a whole lot happier.

4. You can't buy happiness. Never forget that the best things in life truly are free. Health. Love. Relationships. Satsfaction. Enjoyment. Purpose. Happiness. You can't buy these. We try and fill our life with things that give us 'momentary' pleasure. And in many respects these 'things' complicate our lives. Life is simpler than that. And happiness is simpler than that too – despite what the world tries to tell us.

My Challenge
What makes you happy ? Find out. Cultivate and embrace these things. Implement them in your life. And let your happiness be the judge and proof of if they make a difference.

Controlling my wild mind and stopping the weeds from growing

It always amazes me how quickly our body and mind tend back to the old ways. It’s like a garden that you work hard on to get to look beautiful. You spend all that time and effort getting rid of the weeds and then the moment you leave it those damn weeds start to grow again and before long, if you leave it, you have a wild overgrown garden again.

For me that’s the same as my body and mind.

Over the years I have received lots of comments from people saying they wish they had half the will power, determination and dedication that I have. But when they say it, I know that that may be the case right then (say in the middle of training and preparing for the Olympics). But I know how easily I tend back to just like everyone else. Making excuses. Running through the list of why I should not do something – like “I’m too tired”, “I’ll just work extra hard tomorrow”, “I couldn’t be bothered”, “Eating this won’t effect me that much”, etc! The weeds grow back pretty quickly !!!

Excuses are a human tendency. That little voice is always there. And it will never go away. No matter what people say or perceive or the comments that I’ve had – I know we’re all the same. Your mind is a wild animal unless you learn to control your thoughts. The weeds will always grow. So unfortunately there is no easy fix. You need to choose to overrule these thoughts.

Your mind can take you as far as you want to go in life or you can decided to limit your existence and waste all of your potential. You choose. To transform yourself inside and out is painful. Straight up. But the pain of change is only temporary, where the pain of staying where you are, drowning in unhappiness, lasts a lifetime.

So here’s some thoughts on controlling your wild mind and not letting the weeds grow !

1. You need a dream or goal – If you do not have something in life that you are working towards, you’re dead! So find that dream. Find that thing you want to do. You may have forgotten about it or considered it impossible. I have proof that if you decide to go after something with everything you’ve got, envisioning success in every moment, regardless of what you see or feel in the natural – you can achieve anything! After all , what is an Aussie boy who lives at Manly doing competing in the snow and ice in bobsleigh in the Olympics. And hopefully there is lots of inspiration throughout this blog to get you moving along this path.

2. It always starts with a decision – In the moment that you have the opportunity to either decide to do something that brings you closer to your goal or to decide to make 10,000 excuses why you should avoid the choice that you know you should make, tell yourself to shut up and win that moment. As you increase the moments that you win as opposed to giving in, eventually you will wake up a different person.

3. Become aware of your thinking – become aware of the excuses running through your brain and the self-talk inside your head.

4. One brick at a time – Once you’re aware of your thinking you can practice overruling them. You can’t just snap your fingers and change your way of thinking, you need to start small and practice on little things. Day by day. Decision by decision. Building up your mental toughness one brick at a time. It’s like doing a little bit of gardening every day !

4. Some practical tips – Here’s some tips from a past blog on HOW to conquer that little voice

So good luck. I believe in you!

Rollo

The silent assassin – fear !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTl3U6aSd2w

The video this week is one that I use in many of my talks. More of something to lighten the mood up usually – what an incredible add hey !

But I do think there is a very important lesson we can learn from this.

” Courage is not the failure to recognise fear;

it is the refusal to accept its offer”

(Anonymous)

I have faced a number of fears and it is one of the most stretching, but empowering things you can do.

I am scared of heights and in 2002 I went ice-climbing in NZ. I will never forget it. You think that you are constantly climbing but in reality because you are tied by a rope to your partner, you have to wait whilst they climb up there 50m before you then climb your next leg of 50m. And then once again you wait. High up on a mountain. While the wind buffets you. Whilst you have too much time to think and get scared. Whilst you have time to look down and freak out. I’ll never forget climbing one mountain on the corner of the ice, with a massive 1000m drop one side and 400m the other side (if I fell the other climber had to hurl himself off the other side so the rope would cut into the ice and to stop me falling to my death). Fun ? Not in my books. I was yelling out aloud to myself, willing my mind and body to conquer my fear and keep going. And all the time the fear gripped me, whilst for others, it was seemingly not an issue.

And then in bobsleigh, when you’re at the top of every track, you have to learn to conquer your fear. To master your emotions. Especially when it is your first time ever down the track and you have no sense of what it will feel like. And then again when it is your first time down that track from the very top. There is no room for error and you always have fear right there beside you.

But here is the lesson I have learnt. And it is the same lesson that Rugby league International Jason Stevens spoke about in my book A Life That Counts when he described the feeling before State of origin games. And that is – that the fear never goes away. The difference is that you learn to do it afraid.

Challenge – So, let me encourage you. There are fears holding you back from going after your dreams and chasing what you want. They will likely never go away. The difference will be whether you are prepared to go after them despite your fears, and to learn to do it afraid.

Driven by the pot of gold !

This is an extremely interesting video because it speaks of a couple of themes that I wrote about in my book ‘A life That Counts’.

Purpose Driven – each of us is unique. There is no one like us in the entire world. We have unique talents, characteristics, personality and make-up. And that is foundational for us to believe we have been designed for a purpose. Every one of us has an inkling that we were born for something bigger. And that drives us as much as chasing the pot of gold and being driven by money.

Deep Motivation – I have written before about how we are not driven solely by our words and thoughts. That emotions and feelings play a significant role. In fact, our emotions are our strongest, most powerful driver, and often drive us in unconscious ways, well before we are consciously aware of it. eg You don’t need to think about being hungry or tired or scared or embarrassed. These just happen unconsciously and it affects our emotions and our physiology. What this means is that our emotions (our heart) are our primary driver of motivation. This is reflected in deep passion as opposed to conscious motivation (trying to talk yourself into being motivated). That is where the expression comes from – ‘the heart is the strongest muscle in the body’. So never forget that we are driven more by our emotions than by anything conscious. (Knowing your ‘why’ and your purpose are reflections of this). With that in mind, is it such a surprise what this video talks about ? is it such a surprise that the carrot (eg money) or the stick (eg sacking) that most employers try to drive us with are not as effective as they might otherwise think ?

Making a difference – we all have a deep seated desire to make a difference in this world. To leave a legacy. To help others. To live a purposeful and significant life above our own. To live a life that counts ! This is not so surprising. So let’s embrace it and make a difference. For surely the world needs it. And after all – a waterfall starts with a raindrop. Every little bit helps. Be the difference you want to see in the world and let that reflect in your personal world as well as in how that translates into your business world with your staff / colleagues / how you do business.

Fire up and have a great week !