Overcoming disappointment – stages of grief

By Jeremy Rolleston|2011-05-10T09:00:30+00:00May 10th, 2011|Overcoming Adversity|0 Comments

If there is one thing I know a bit about it is overcoming disappointment. And if sport is a microcosm of life then I’ve had it in spades.

First there was snapping my posterior Cruciate Ligament whilst playing for the Australian legends (Australia B) rugby sevens side in Fiji. This was two weeks before the Hong Kong World Cup sevens tournament. It was my dream to play for Australia in the World Cup. So to get the call a few days after my return saying I had been picked, only to have to pull out with injury, was devastating. IMy dream was shattered. I never got my Wallaby jersey and I never got a look in again.

Then there was the Vancouver Olympics – my 2nd Winter Olympic Games. I was in the best shape of my life, driving the notorious and controversial track well, and ready to have the race of my life. And then I crashed in bizarre circumstances in front of the world. If only the ground could have swallowed me up. And then to have to pull out of the 4m and forgo the chance of redemption (sport i made for overcoming stories like that) was devastating. Was I really going to retire after that ?

So in light of that, one of the useful things to understand is the actual and natural stages of grief that you will go through. Here’s a video to help you smile at the same time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1spa_ASeHc0

So to recap, here’s the stages with some explanation:

1. Comprehension – when what you thought was going to happen and what actually happens don’t line up,  your brain tries to cope with this by reacting in a number of ways. These include shock, going into your shell, denial or a sense of numbness like you are in an unreal dream. There is little you can do at this point whilst your brain adjusts.
2. Emotion – the powerful emotions of sadness, anger, loss and grief will then take over. You can’t ignore these emotions. Just ride them out and look for comfort and support.
3. Reason / Bargaining – to move on you need to break the endless repetitive cycle of thoughts and bargaining and emotions that will drag you down and keep your initial emotional response going long after it should have stopped. You need to resolve and come to a conclusion on what happened. Perhaps the conclusion is that ‘you just don’t know, crap happens, and you will never know the reason why’. Or perhaps there will be a more constructive conclusion that you can reach around your disappointment. Either way, this will allow you to move on.
4. Progression (depression and acceptance) – At this point you need to realise and accept that life isn’t always fair and refuse to be the victim. I know this was the case for me. You have to stop concentrating on the setback and disappointment (which will continue to make you depressed) and choose to get on with the next goal or with living your life. (Acceptance is easier said than done I know !)

There are some other tips I have for helping you overcome disappointment as best you can, but let’s leave this post with an understanding of the natural stages of grief you will go through regardless. For more information buy my book A Life That Counts.